Just by saying the word No, I tried to move on but I couldn’t. A simple word No, that may or may not have had any effect on her but it surely had a drastic effect on me and it strongly did change my life to see and to feel differently. More or less, it made an impact on me, an impact that shattered me into pieces giving and showcasing an endless explosion of miserable feeling for what I had done. But the question always popped in my head did I deserve that. May be yes or may be no, reality lies hidden within her answer where her options brought light to a choice of with or without her.
May be my choice was wrong, saying No. But my dignity put a question of why not? Why always be the one to make it work, why not say no and end the chapter once in and for all.
For the first time in my life, I had felt something was mine and something that was truly beyond any experience. A madness or passion whatever you may call it, it was magical and exceptional from any of the feelings that I had encountered before. It simply swapped me off my feet. To be with her was the feeling of being complete and I would simply melt in front of her. Her presence would always make me feel comfortable to share and be myself, but she changed with time. Her fluctuating emotional outbreak and outcry simply pushed me to give an answer to all her queries that lie hidden within myself, may be justice was not served to her feelings but it was for me and for my identity.
People say love is just a feeling but whether it’s just a feeling or not is simply a matter of what you think about? I say love is a slow painkiller; it kills as well as it cures. It depends upon your thinking and how you use it. Getting back to the story, still after saying No, something inside me was holding me. I was definitely sure about the no but why was it hard to let go of her memories, was question that impeded me? It was now further putting questions on my cognitive process, draining me to be weak and vulnerable. God save me but letting go of someone you are deeply and madly in love is simply not easy.
After facing the aftermath of the questions that lay suppressed in my mind, I started to find answers where I got lost. I could not escape this emotional hindrance and the only option available was to face the questions, as running away was not an option. Moving on with the vacuum of absence in my heart, I was hopelessly captivated her memories that dragged me and blinded me. I tried to escape this by psychologically diverting my attention but faking my feelings was not an option to escape reality. Every second passing by was killing me with emotional bombardment where the feeling were simply going bazooka and I was taking it upfront. I could see myself but the feeling of numbness completely penetrated me and I was in agony of shallow pain which drained me. The minute I realize, she was no more part of my life, suffocation rolled in and I had to move myself thinking about what next?
Without knowing, what to do? or what to expect? I kept myself moving on the road endlessly thinking about why I was not to myself. It seemed as if I had lost myself in the reminiscences of past traumatizing me where I could not go beyond.
Passing by the crowd, I could feel the silence, moving on in motion, I felt standing still and hysterically thinking about the outburst of feeling made me stagnant with vagueness and absence. Trying to explain myself with reasons for my action, I started to picture scenarios of better understanding and options that were available. But the decision was not solely aspired with my ego. It highlighted series of events that tolled in but with the immaturity and the lack of understanding that we shared, resulted in my action. May be I was too selfish but I had to do it for myself. The only thing that I regret is why didn’t you said No to my answer and searched another option, didn’t I deserve that much? While moving down the lane I was having this concoction of emptiness and shallowness. One after the other my steps started getting bigger and I was on the move may be I felt the loss when I realize that it was a new start or may be I could not accept the idea of being alone.
I walked, walked & walked in emptiness and lonesomeness, the minute I realize something was missing in my life, suffocation engrossed me and I moved on. One after the other steps counted moving on where the lane shortened and my steps moved on.
By Shreedeep Rayamajhi
